Eternity

Celebrities are dropping like flies today. People's first reaction to Michael Jackson's death was interesting. I saw a lot of them on facebook. From calling it a publicity stunt (I had that first reaction too) to cynical remarks about how strange he was....and he was. And Farrah Fawcett's very unglamorous end....another 'interesting' celebrity. I know they were real people, they both had families and friends who are grieving, but it's not really personal for most people (unless you're a fan). So we are free to gawk at the evening specials on their lives (I did too) and give our opinions. (I am too apparently) To us they were almost caricatures of humanity, an image, a modern day freak show. Whether celebrities are exploiting themselves or are unfairly exploited is up for debate, but it's all kind of a parade of the most immoral and egotistical eccentrics in our society. Yet this day their eternity was made for them. It's all so empty and strange feeling when you ponder it.

Personally we've had to deal with a friend's death this week too. He was a deacon and a good friend at our last church. Randall absolutely loved life, loved his wife, his children and God. He rode a Harley Davidson and yet would snuggle with and talk sweet to his little yorkie with abandon. It made you laugh, but it was real humanity, not plastic or contrived. He was down to earth and lived his life for God and family, not for the public. When his time came he said, "I'm home...I'm home. Praise God, praise God." Then he breathed his last. Hearing it reminded me of when I'd come home from school, as I would come through the door, calling out to my mom, "I'm home! I'm home!" Cool image....hmm.

My own father's death was similar except he couldn't talk at the end. We could tell that he was keenly tuned in to us, tried to respond when he heard my brother or his sister on the phone. He was more himself than he had been for months Having dementia takes you away before your body is ready, but I think his spirit overcame his mind for a while at the end. He knew what was happening up until the last hour or so of his life.

It was August 21st and there was a storm gathering. We sat with my dad, singing hymns, talking to each other remembering old family stories and jokes. We were holding dad's hand, giving him water on a sponge because he was breathing hard and his mouth was dry. Then the summer storm blew in and raged for a while. I opened the window because my dad LOVED a good summer storm. He would go outside and watch them blow in and through whenever he could, even climbing up on the roof sometimes to watch the lightening (yeah, I know). So for a while we listened to his labored breathing while thunder crashed and rain came down in sheets. When it was over we kept vigil for another hour or so, then he opened his eyes, after having them closed for days, too weak to focus on anything I imagine, and his eyes were bright and focussed up in a corner of the room and there was an energy in his eyes, it wasn't just a look, it was a gaze. It made me actually turn and look as if I would see what he saw. But I couldn't (one day I hope to). I don't know what he was seeing, but I have a very real sense that it was another realm of reality. His breathing which was rough, labored and loud started calming and becoming very shallow and then very intermittent. The storm between death and life was blowing through and we knew it would soon finished. He had been focusing mentally on Heaven a few days before he died and now it was as if he saw it. And his spirit never focussed on us again. He was already stepping over and it was a privilege to be there with him while it happened. He took a few deep breaths and then he didn't breath again. And then, in our hearts it began to rain. But it was a very cleansing, sweet rain.

Death is something we don't often see and have to be there for in our society. But it is a very real part of life. I've been wanting to write of my father's death since the evening it happened, 3 years ago, but it never seemed like the right time. I think in the age where you see celebrity icons dying and we are so far removed from it, but still feel it so deeply, it's good to hear of more personal experiences, something unexploited that gives hope and not just sorrow. Something normal and natural and spiritual. After going through that with my father, I am not afraid to die. I never thought I was afraid, but it was a precarious thought, something far off and surreal. Now I know it is just a transition. I've seen it and envy it a little. Can you imagine stepping over with God and reaching your Home that is more familiar and real somehow than the ones we've lived in here on earth? I'm closer to being able to imagine it now.

"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:3-4

Tomorrow

There is a new button in my sidebar at the upper right corner. It is one of those ribbons you see everywhere, in all sorts of colors. It symbolizes that there are people out there who are fighting for a cure for Alzheimer's and Dementia, a cause I really would love to see become reality.

If breast cancer ran in my family, I'm sure I would have a pink ribbon for you to click. But it so happens that Alzheimer's and Dementia run on my dad's side of the family. He died from dementia 2 years ago. His oldest sister died less than 6 months after him. She had Alzheimer's disease for over 20 years before dying in her 90's. He suffered just a few years. I can't imagine 20. His other sister Ruth is in the beginning stages and has had to move to an assisted living center.

Sadly Alzheimer's disease is a slow process of losing your mind along with physical problems. It is usually a long road of suffering, helping, exhaustion and feeling alone. If you have a loved one with any kind of dementia disease, there are very good resources on this webpage, Caring.com. Two years ago even, there were not half the resources that there are today for people caring for loved ones with dementia. Eventually I feel like it will touch almost everyone's lives in western civilization. I hope and pray that they can find a cause, a cure, a reason, an answer, anything. It is such a devastating thing.

If you would like to make a button for your blog or website, click my ribbon. The steps are very easy. Mom, if you want help doing it, I'll help you soon. ;)

One day at a time we walk through this life. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. But we can live fully and well today. Don't let busyness make your days fly by without doing important things and knowing the One who gave it to us.

I was going to add Matthew 6:25-34 here and found it with fresh insight in The Message. As well as dealing with tomorrow's difficulty, it is also a very telling insight for the financial crisis our country is in right now. So I'll post the whole thing.

Matthew 6:25-34 (The Message)

25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Stuck in the middle with you

A friend tells me I’m part of the sandwich generation…raising young kids while taking care of aging parents. I think I feel like a piece of wilting lettuce in a 3 day old sandwich. I have been going to bed around 10:30 pm and sleep until almost 8am, waking occasionally to listen for my dad in case he is creeping around the quiet house.

But even with adequate sleep, we’re all feeling weary and worn. It’s a feeling anyone knows who has taken care of an aging parent with dementia…..the obsession about certain things, explaining things over and over and over, the need to be constantly aware of where he is, what he’s doing, and painfully, the question pops up now and again from my dad to me, “What’s your name?”

My mom had hip replacement surgery 11 days ago and is in a rehab center recovering and getting lots of physical therapy so she can come home soon. She has been the main care-giver to my dad for the past year, since he’s been in deteriorating mental health, compounded by some physical needs that are constant. So my sisters and I are pitching in and helping while she is recuperating…..and we can’t believe what she’s had to deal with at home, as well as being crippled in her hip. And now with dad’s confusion getting even worse with her gone, we are faced with some hard decisions about his future care and if he is going to be able to even stay in the home or have to go to a full time care facility.

We have had to rely on a good sense of humor to get us through. With your sisters you can make irreverent jokes about the things we’ve had to deal with. Most of it I can’t refer to here, but it helps relieve a lot of tension.

My mom complains about the rehab center she is in, which is understandable….it’s hard to be in a place like that. It’s boring and depressing. But that is not what she complains about! She says it's full of old people with droopy skin and they can't hear each other to have a conversation......this is hilarious to us because she is 78 and is just about deaf!

"Hey, kettle, this is the pot"

She knows we joke about this because the first time she said it, I laughed out loud and thought she was joking. When I realized she wasn’t, I totally cracked up. She thinks I’m goofy, but I’m telling you, it’s a hoot! Now I make it a point to ask her how all the old people are doing today. I’m incorrigible, I tell you…..never give me ammunition if you don’t want me to make fun of you.

The night I went to the dining room at the rehab center with mom for dinner, a lady named Josie got wheeled into position beside mom. She looked the table over and said to my mom,

'So.....what are ya in for? Murder??'

This sent me over the edge! (I was already giggling at a little teensy lady with a cartoon voice *like Minnie Mouse* who talked so loud everyone in the room could hear her....well, except my mom!)

So I was laughing....and my mom just looks at Josie blankly and said,

"What??"

To which Josie replied, "We're all breaking outta here tonight, see?"

.....my mom's like "What?"

I can't stand it....I almost had to dismiss myself and go laugh myself silly! *which I did when I got home after telling the story to my sisters*

So on we go. I am only here until Saturday, the 6th. Then I head 3 hours north to my own family and have to leave these duties to my 3 sisters and to my mom, who will be coming home about then.

Although it is depressing and wearying to see my parents getting older, it is also dear and tender to be with them during this time of life. My dad is as sweet, gentle and innocent as a child most of the time, although nighttime can find him belligerent and argumentative. He can drive you absolutely crazy with his incessant questions about things that don’t actually exist, but when his mind is clear, he tells us how much he appreciates us and says things we’ll remember all our lives. He actually knows how difficult he is getting, but when it is happening, he is so confused that he can't help it.

Tonight he was more himself. We had the carpets cleaned this afternoon and while we sat around the dinner table waiting for the carpets to dry, my sister kept telling everyone who got up from the table, "Don't walk on the carpets!" She must have said it 3 or 12 times. Then my dad got up from the table. We never know if he's going to do something 'unusual' or if he's just going to his room. So my sister said, "Dad, where are you going?" To which he got an exaggerated smirk on his face and said, "To walk on the carpets!"

It's good to see him being himself some days (and I see where I get my sassy sense of humor)....today was good. Thank you, Lord.

Life goes on and on….we think it will be ours forever, only to find out that our life soon becomes a memory and faded pictures in someone’s attic. We only have today here on earth, soon we’ll step over into eternity….and that is not such a bad thing, is it? My parents know the Lord, my dad is just closer to eternity now. It’s sad to see his body shutting down, but it is not the end…it is really the beginning for him.

He’s the lucky one.


Psalm 90:12
Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

James 4:14
Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

~~John 14:2 In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.~~

Old redefined

Today is my dad's 80th birthday. Quite a milestone and it has come at quite a price. In his 70's we watched him go through a lot of physical problems and lots of procedures and surgeries to get to 80! A stent and angioplasty in his early 70's, followed by a pacemaker.... steadily we watched his weakening heart slowing him down to a shuffle. Then prostate cancer and recurring scar tissue from the prostate surgery which made his kidneys shut down for a few days this year. His mind is slowing down as is his body and we have to remind him of things he knew well a year ago. The doctors put him through a year's worth of testing and evaluation to determine if he is getting Alzheimer's disease, as his 2 sisters do. The results were negative, which is a great relief.

Everyone knows that your body and mind slow down in old age and that you start needing more medical attention. I knew this was coming as my parents entered their 60's and 70's, but it seemed to happen quickly, like a smack in the face when it happened to my family. It is personal this time.....it hit home....it invaded our lives without permission and it hurts us. Shame on me for not being more sympathetic and supportive when friends would talk about their aging parents and how bewildering it is. It is a hard thing to watch your dad lose his ability to go hiking and walking, to watch him spend more and more time in his chair, walking to the kitchen for a cup of coffee becoming a chore. My dad once was an extremely intelligent scientist and engineer. His job was to be given a problem and to figure out how to solve it and build a machine to make it happen. Amazing....I use to try to listen to him explain scientific or mathematical things and get dizzy!! I just could not think on that level. Now he tells me things several times in one day and needs help thinking of a word to finish his sentences sometimes. Hard....hurts....bewildering.....makes you have to grow up in the most basic of ways...with your parents!

I watched a rerun of 7th Heaven this morning...funny how it happened to be this episode today...on my dad's birthday. The pastor's wife Annie's dad had passed away. She had been very depressed and anxious during his illness and fight with some chronic disease, I can't remember what it was even, but she knew he was fading. So he actually dies and she gets this euphoric feeling, this relief and peace. So the whole episode is about how everyone is feeling euphoric when they should be grieving and sad....they all attribute this to Annie's influence and how she's so unusually and alarmingly happy. Well it's kind of funny and quirky and you wonder what the conclusion is going to be here. So finally one night she and her husband, lying on their bed, discuss her euphoric feelings. She explains that she is happy because she realizes all the extraordinary gifts she's been given in life.....her wonderful parents who raised her so well, for her children and how they have turned out so well and are happily pursuing their own ways in life, and for her assurance that her father is now in Heaven and at peace. She is full of joy and happiness over the gratitude she has from all the good things in her life. She is grateful and appreciative and is enjoying it with no excuses, even when everyone expects her to be sad.

Point taken, Lord. =) I will go to Phoenix tomorrow for my dad's 80th birthday celebration and be happy and enjoy him and my family and be grateful and appreciative...instead of being tempted to wallow in self pity and sadness at how much he has lost...I will celebrate who he has been and even who he is now, a gentle, loving albeit simpler, slower person. I love my parents and I’m glad I still have them......and I need to enjoy them while they're here with us.